Letter
by A.L. White
Summary: To love is a dangerous thing, but to fear it is even more dangerous. Take a chance while you still can.
1. Letter

(A/N: I had Tomoyo write the letter in English with romanji because no one else except for herself Touya or Sakura would read it.) [A/N: please refer to the bottom of the page for translations and reasoning for this story.]  
  
DISCLAIMER: CLAMP ©® OWNS ALL RIGHTS TO CARDCAPTOR SAKURA©® AND ALL OF IT'S CHARACTERS THEREIN. THIS IS A FANFICTION MEANT FOR FAN VIEWING AND NOT PROFIT.  
  
Dear Sakura-chan  
  
Each morning as I awake, I realize that this is yet another day that I have to live in your shadow. I know that you will probably never notice me the way I want you to, but as I said to you all these times; I am happy if you are. That's a lie I tell myself each day, I'm happy if my Sakura-chan is happy, but the truth is that I want you to notice me! But no I could never tell you how I truly feel, you would probably respond the same way as you did every other time I've tried to tell you: "Wo ai na e Tomoyo!" You would smile that kawaii smile of yours and make me see your beauty. Do you think that I don't notice how perfect and special you are? You have magic.Syaoran-kun has magic, but I.I have none, all I did was tape you and marvel at everything that made you you. You are a Majo! Kado no On'nashujin!  
  
This thought came to me one night as I was thinking of you Sakura, to tell you the truth I am crying because I realize that I will never be able to give this letter to you.you see you're making me cry again, but it's alright. You are probably off on your honeymoon right now even as I write these words. Syaoran is treating you well I am sure.don't worry I won't pry. I know you won't get tired of being the next female head of the Li household, but I wonder if you will ever get tired of being alone.that is what I mean to say is will you ever miss me or Melin-chan or any of the others that we have come to know and love? What of your Oniisan or your Otosan?  
  
Gomen nasai that I wasn't able to make it to your wedding and I know that the dress I made looks gorgeous on you.I was also aware that Touya didn't come because it was too hard for him to see Tsukishiro-san present.. after all they did share a bad falling out.  
  
Tomoyo threw down the pen disgusted with herself, how could she even think of writing this, her friend would probably never speak to her again if she ever found this. She was about to get up and throw the paper away, but a strong hand on her shoulder stopped her. Looking up she saw that it was the hand of Touya. It was late at night, she was basically the only one left in the university music studio. What was he doing here and exactly how long had he been standing there?  
  
Quickly she looked back down to the paper and wiped the running mascara off of her eyes with a handkerchief, she was twenty for Kami's sake and here she was crying in a little dark room like she used to when she was twelve. Standing up, she tried to walk away but she couldn't pull out of his strong grasp. "Tomoyo o miru boku." he said.  
  
She didn't want to look; it was too hard to look at the brother of the person you loved with all of your heart. He pulled her to him and she broke down. Was this what it was like to be held by another? she wondered through her tears. He gently pulled her to the floor, where she was rocked back and forth as she let out all of her sorrow.  
  
He knew what it was like to be in so much pain, but he had never cried.rather he had turned to alcohol. Eight years had been taken from one moment, and that was the realization that Yukito had said that he loved someone else. He had known for years that Tomoyo had loved Sakura and for a while she had even had a crush on him because he reminded her of his sister.. but he never expected as he held her then that his heart would pull at the sight of her tears.or how he would respond by pulling her closer to him as she began to cry harder.  
  
When she had finally calmed down, she looked up at him again, "Gomen ne Touya-kun" "For what?" he asked in stuttering English. "Watashi kitanai anata wa shatsu." She answered back. "Don't worry about it." he responded stumbling over the syllables of English usage.. damn he had been to America before and had no problem speaking the foreign words.why was he having such a hard time now? "Gomen boku na warui de hanasu eigo." :"Daijobu." she said laughing gently despite how she truly felt and looked.  
  
"Daijobu ka?" he asked realizing that he had been stroking her hair the entire time. "Iie" she responded  
  
"Touya-kun I was hoping I could practice my English with someone but no one was here so I wrote a letter.a letter to Sakura, it got me upset. I'm sorry." She said in one beautiful display of the language that gave a hint of her accent. "Why did you really write this?" he asked feeling more confident in his speech. "I wanted to get it all out." she confessed. "Why were you going to throw it away?" he questioned. "I didn't want anyone to find out.I feel ashamed!"  
  
She turned away and he stood there silent, here was a young woman in the prime of life and yet she was as sad and bitter as someone whom had nothing left to give.  
  
When she turned back around, she found a note on the corner of the letter, Call me whenever you're ready to talk.you know the number.- Touya.  
  
Sakura- Cherry Blossom Tomoyo- Plum blossom Syaoran- Little wolf Touya-Peach arrow Tsukishiro-san- Mr. White moon Yukito- Snow bunny Kami- God  
  
-chan [ A term of affection used by close family or friends also more reserved for young children to use.]  
  
"Wo ai na e Tomoyo!"- I love you too Tomoyo!  
  
Kawaii - cute  
  
Majo-Witch  
  
Kado no On'nashujin!- Mistress of cards  
  
Otosan-Father  
  
Oniisan -Brother  
  
Gomen nasai- I'm sorry  
  
"Tomoyo o miru boku."- Tomoyo look at me  
  
"Gomen ne Touya-kun"- I am so sorry Touya [ -kun is used as a term of close affection and is often associated with romantic interest or closeness.]  
  
"Watashi kitanai anata wa shatsu"- I dirtied your shirt." [anata means dear or you and is used by close family or a girlfriend as a means of affection. It is also used as the general term of you in appliance to strangers.]  
  
"Gomen boku na warui de hanasu eigo"- Sorry I am bad at speaking English.  
  
"Daijobu."- It's all right.  
  
"Daijobu ka?"- Are you all right?"  
  
"Iie"- No  
  
A/N: I wanted to write this story, because no one really seems to understand how Touya or Tomoyo truly feels when it comes to their love lives, I mean most people think that Yuki and Touya would stay together forever, but the truth is that Yukito as the false form of Yueh has a moral obligation to follow Sakura wherever she goes. Also Tomoyo has loved Sakura for years but Sakura was always too young or too slow on the uptake to understand what it meant whenever Tomoyo would say I love you or create outfits to tape all of her adventures or even making homemade chocolates to give her on Valentines day. So why not write something that a lot of people in this world would relate to? The loss of a lover due to their love for another or even love unrequited. Thank you for reading this story and I hope that you will continue to the next chapter!  
  
Celtic Sorceress 


	2. Missing you

DISCLAIMER: CLAMP ©® OWNS ALL RIGHTS TO CARDCAPTOR SAKURA ©® AND ALL OF IT'S CHARACTERS THEREIN. THIS IS A FANFICTION MEANT FOR FAN VIEWING AND NOT PROFIT.  
  
A/N: This is the second chapter to Letter, I hope that as all of you read this, you will feel a certain connection to Touya and Tomoyo as they each tell their thoughts of what has happened over the years and you will also find out who Yukito left Touya for. (Thoughts(  
  
Chapter 2: Missing you.  
  
~Touya~  
  
(You know I thought for a while that everything was going great, I mean I had everything anyone would want, the greatest love life, the sweetest job, and the nicest ride. I had just gotten a job believe it or not at the University teaching piano classes as a professor.following in the old man's footsteps as well as using the talent my mother gave me. I guess you could say I spent too much time overseas considering now I think almost constantly in English. I had saved up enough money to go and study the music course at UCLA as well as take two years of English as a second language, so I guess it grew on me.(  
  
(You know America was cool, but I kind of thought this whole war that was going on over in the Middle East was kind of harsh even though that ass of a dictator deserved it. I mean I keep thinking of all those small children that got hurt in the process but hey there wasn't much I could do about it.  
  
Anyway back to the subject. Sorry if I got off track. Yukito had stayed back in Japan While I studied, and even though we kept regular contact, it seemed that something was different about him but I never pushed it.(  
  
(When I came back, it was as if nothing had changed, and I went back to my old lifestyle living as I always did. The only thing that was different was that Sakura had grown up a lot and that brat was still in love with her. Yukito and I had gone about our lives as happy as ever, that was until just a few months ago.. see Yuki and Yueh started to bleed into each other's consciousness and act almost as one. That was due to Sakura's need for them both to be there. I didn't understand it.not at all, but then Yuki told me he was in love with Nakuru Akizuki. How could he have possibly fallen in love with her or him or whatever the creature was? I mean I knew Yukito wasn't human but I never knew that his other half had felt that way. Yukito and Nakuru are complete opposites, Yuki is quiet and reserved but Nakuru she's loud and obnoxious and she hangs all over anyone she can latch on to. Now that I think about it, he never told me what it was about the annoying "girl" that attracted him. I know that Yueh is neither male nor female but I've always thought of him as a guy.(  
  
(It drove me insane when he left, I tried to drown it all in Gin or Vodka or whatever alcohol I could find.but it always made things worse. I would go numb with being drunk for a few hours, but eventually I would snap out of it and have a hangover. Of course there was also the University I had to think about, I had started in the fall term as the second branch music professor and now the summer term was almost here. Although I told the Dean I might take off, I still had a job to do and I couldn't go in drunk.so I did a clean up act. Sure the empty space is still there but I would try to find something or someone to fill it. The problem is who would fall in love with a broken fool?(  
  
(I just got an invitation today to go to my sister's wedding, I know Yukito's going to be there, I can't face it; it's too hard to see him. I love the monster but she knows how I feel. I should just quite here and now with trying to sort all of this out in my head but there's still so much I need to understand.(  
  
(A few weeks ago I started seeing my mother again.. it scared the hell out of me when I was sitting down in my lonely little apartment drinking coffee, and suddenly there she was sitting beside me. I guess that Yueh no longer needed my gift, but after not having it for years it feels strange seeing little spirit children playing on the king penguin slide at the park. Not only that but it's funny seeing my old cat.my mother loved this cat to death; Sakura was too little to remember him but I'll go over my father's and the cat will be sitting there on his lap in the study just like it used to in life. Of course my father knows now that he has magic, thanks to that strange half reincarnation of Clow.I think his name was Eriol according to what Kero told me. (  
  
(I remember we had a conversation the other day.my mother and I, she was acting strange. She asked me how I was doing.and then suddenly said don't worry you'll find someone else.we hadn't even brought up the subject of Yuki. She told me that it was someone I wouldn't expect and to be careful. I had barely gotten two words in as she waved and disappeared. But then again my mother was always a bit strange when it came to seeing those things.(  
  
(Well it's been two months since the invitation came in the mail and today's the wedding but as I thought I couldn't get up the courage to go. I think I'll go over to the University later when it's quiet.(  
  
(I was sitting down at the piano, playing a tune that I hadn't played since Yuki left. It was also the first thing I had played for him, and it was a little heart wrenching. I loved him with everything I was and suddenly it was over in an instantaneous moment.(  
  
(I finished playing, when I heard someone crying in the other room. I stood up and walked through the double doors where I saw a young woman sitting at a desk and crying over a piece of paper. I walked over to her and put my hand on her shoulder just as she was about to get up and throw the article away, as she stopped, it was then that I recognized her as Tomoyo Diadouji. She looked down at the paper that was in her hands and wiped her eyes, and then she tried to walk away but I pulled her to me and she began to cry again. When she calmed down she apologized and I asked her for what and she said that she had ruined my shirt. I told her don't worry about it in some disappointing English and said that I spoke it badly. She laughed and said it was all right but when I asked her if she was ok she said no.(  
  
(She lied to me and said that she was hoping to practice her English with someone but no one was there so she began writing a letter to Sakura and it got her upset. I asked her why she really wrote it and she said she needed to get it all out. I asked her why she was going to throw it away and she said, "I don't want anyone to find out.. I feel ashamed!"(  
  
(When she turned away, I wrote down a note telling her to call me, she already knew the number.(  
  
~Tomoyo~  
  
(I never thought I would feel this bad, I knew it couldn't work out between us even if she did love me, but still I sit here in my room with my arms wrapped around my legs which are pulled up to my chest. I want to burn all of these pictures, destroy all those videos.anything.anything. to take away this pain. I've been with people.trying to forget all about her, dated boys and girls alike but I've always thought about her. I can't get her out of my head, she makes me wake up each night crying and feeling torn apart.(  
  
(You know I got a letter from her the other day, she asked me to design her wedding dress for her, I had it done this morning.. after all I do have that mannequin that's her size. She's been my life ever since I was ten. the first day I met her I felt the click. But as the years waned on and she grew closer to Syaoran, our friendship fell apart.(  
  
(It's been two months since I got that letter inviting me to the wedding of: Kinomoto, Sakura and Li, Syaoran and today's the day.you'd think that I would be there, no I can't face that. so instead I'm here sobbing over a letter I can't send you. And now your brother is holding me. I can't even think straight, no instead I'm talking nonsense on how I ruined his shirt. Now it's about the letter and he tries to get the truth out about why I want to throw it away and when I tell him why I want to I turn away and when I look back he's gone and there's a note from him on the paper.(  
  
(I'm home now and I keep staring at his handwriting. the maids have tried to help me get out of my disheveled clothes and into pajamas and they even sent up hot cocoa just the way I like it with whip cream and chocolate chips in it. I drink the warm liquid and feel my hands shaking as I set the mug down. I feel like she's died almost and I want to destroy the feelings I have. I stand up and look in the mirror, then I pull my fist back and smash the damn thing. She's looked in it too many times with all those outfits I made her.(  
  
(I was too fucking stupid to realize that she hated those outfits, all I did was get in her way as I taped her. I created a dangerous situation for her, she had to worry about me all of the time. maybe she could have captured all the cards sooner if I hadn't been in her way.(  
  
(I'm looking at my bloody hand now and I hear the maids and my mother coming up the stairs in frenzy, mother is the first to come through the door. "Tomoyo honey what's wrong?" she asks me in fluid Japanese "Nothing mother.I just didn't like that mirror, so I smashed it.now if you'll excuse me I am going to go bandage my hand and go out." I respond in kind. I go into the bathroom as the maids clear away the shattered mess and run the bath water. When it's full, I go back out and grab the lowest outfit I had ever designed. It's a black leather jacket with a v cut peasant style tie halter that's red and black low-rise jeans that had intricate slashes cut through the material. The thing that made the outfit so low was the fact that the halter and jeans barely hid anything from view. I pull out a pentacle necklace from my jewelry box and grab underwear, then I went into the bathroom, peel off my clothing and get into the tub.(  
  
(The water stings my hand but I barely even noticed it as I wash my body, I notice the way I have a lot of scars, most of them because of Sakura but a few aren't. I get out of the tub soon and dry off. Then I brush through my hair and re- apply my makeup. After that I put on my pentacle necklace and a black bra and thong. I normally never wear these things, but a guy I had been seeing once was into the whole modern gothic look, I was more of a dark ages gothic. I put on the halter and tie the silk peasant strings in the front in a crossing style then I pull on the jeans put on deodorant and then throw on the jacket. My hand has stopped bleeding by now and I wanted to get out.(  
  
(I go down the stairs and my mother looks at me, "Where are you going this late at night?" she asks. "To see an old friend. see you if I get back." I say. And with that I walk out the door and get into my Black 1984 Jaguar Roadster and tear down the streets, going along a very familiar path.(  
  
A/N: In this installment I put down in Tomoyo's reaction what I did in a way.though mine was a different reason. I'm sure all of you have taken off somewhere when you couldn't handle things. but what happens if you get in too deep. Also I'm sure a lot of you know what movie this car is from. Read the next chapter to find out.  
  
Celtic Sorceress 


	3. Going under

DISCLAIMER: CLAMP ©® OWNS ALL RIGHTS TO CARDCAPTOR SAKURA ©® AND ALL OF IT'S CHARACTERS THEREIN. THIS IS A FANFICTION MEANT FOR FAN VIEWING AND NOT PROFIT. EVANESENCE © OWNS ALL RIGHTS TO GOING UNDER ©  
  
A/N: Sometimes anger can lead us to be blind, and so we don't always see help when we need it the most. Lyrics //CAPS\\ Refer to bottom of page for translations  
  
Chapter 3: Going under  
  
As Tomoyo tore through the streets, she turned on her radio and found an American radio station, which was playing her favorite song, so she blasted it at full volume. While she had the cd in her player at the moment, it was ironic that they'd play it now.  
  
//NOW I WILL TELL YOU WHAT I'VE DONE FOR YOU. 50 THOUSAND TEARS I'VE CRIED. SCREAMING, DECIEVING AND BLEEDING FOR YOU AND YOU SILL WON'T HEAR ME.\\ //GOING UNDER\\ //DON'T WANT YOUR HAND THIS TIME I'LL SAVE MYSELF MAYBE I'LL WAKE UP FOR ONCE. NOT TORMENTED DAILY DEFEATED BY YOU.\\ //JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I'D REACHED THE BOTTOM.\\ //I'M DYING AGAIN.\\  
  
//I'M GOING UNDER, DROWNING IN YOU.\\ //I'M FALLING FOREVER, I'VE GOT TO BREAK THROUGH.\\ //I'M GOING UNDER.\\  
  
//BLURRING AND STIRRING THE TRUTH AND THE LIES, SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S REAL AND WHAT'S NOT.\\ //ALWAYS CONFUSING THE THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD, SO I CAN'T TRUST MYSELF ANYMORE.\\ //I'M DYING AGAIN.\\  
  
//I'M GOING UNDER, DROWNING IN YOU.\\ //I'M FALLING FOREVER, I'VE GOT TO BREAK THROUGH.\\ //I'M GOING UNDER.\\  
  
//SO GO ON AND SCREAM, SCREAM AT ME I'M SO FAR AWAY.\\ //I WON'T BE BROKEN AGAIN, I'VE GOT TO BREATHE, I CAN'T KEEP GOING UNDER.\\  
  
//I'M DYING AGAIN.\\ /I'M GOING UNDER ,DROWNING IN YOU.\\ //I'M FALLING FOREVER, I'VE GOT TO BREAK THROUGH\\ //I'M GOING UNDER.\\ //I'M GOING UNDER.\\ //I'M GOING UNDER.\\  
  
She pulled into an empty space on the street and turned off the radio, then grabbed her keys. Getting out of the car she walked up the steps to apartment 4A and rang the bell. Touya who was shirtless and only partially awake answered the door. "Tomoyo nan no suru anata hitsuyo?" She didn't answer him, but pushed past him and walked inside. He closed the door and turned on the lights, seeing her outfit as well as her hand. " What happened to you?" he asked. " I was in a mood so I put on the lowest thing I could design. slutty yeah don't remind me." she said. She remained standing as she slowly tried to gain some courage. "Listen you wanted me to talk about Sakura.well that's a hard subject. like Yukito is for you. So why don't we skip it all, thanks for helping me earlier, so if I ever want to have a nice little chat again I'll call until then leave me the hell alone!" She stood up and walked out the door leaving Touya stand there. "Tomoyo wait! Matte!" he yelled. "No screw the talking! I'm sick of trying to talk!"  
  
With that said she got into the car again and began to drive anywhere she could.  
  
~A few hours later~  
  
"What's going on with her?" he asked as he looked out at the sky.  
  
"Naze na anata iku mitsukedasu?" a familiar voice asked him.  
  
He turned around, uttering only one word "Okasan?"  
  
"Ohayo Touya." she said smiling  
  
"Kanojo ni kuko." she said.  
  
"Dare ga?" he asked.  
  
"Tomoyo." she said and slowly faded away.  
  
"Tomoyo nan no suru anata hitsuyo?"- Tomoyo what do you want?  
  
"Naze na anata iku mitsukedasu?"-Why don't you go find out?  
  
"Okasan?"- Mother?  
  
"Ohayo Touya." - Good Morning Touya.  
  
"Kanojo ni kuko." - She's at the airport  
  
"Dare ga?" - Who?  
  
A/N: Some don't understand that this is only a temporary solution to problems, running away doesn't solve everything. Also I sort of modeled her after Faith in season 7 of Buffy. Stay tuned for the next chapter.  
  
Celtic Sorceress 


	4. On my own but not alone

DISCLAIMER: CLAMP ©® OWNS ALL RIGHTS TO CARDCAPTOR SAKURA ©® AND ALL OF IT'S CHARACTERS THEREIN. THIS IS A FANFICTION MEANT FOR FAN VIEWING AND NOT PROFIT. ( Thoughts ( Please refer to the bottom of the page for translations  
  
Chapter 4: On my own  
  
Tomoyo kept driving until it began to rain, "Damn.I knew I should have gone home.I have no idea what the hell I'm doing." she said. I was STUPID again! She laughed bitterly at herself, but suddenly stopped as she remembered a song that she had heard once. Getting out of the car she took the keys out of the ignition and pulled the soft cover up. She began to hum it to herself as she walked out in the rain. She soon stopped and hugged the jacket closer to her body  
  
(I don't understand anything any more; my mother and the rest of them don't get how I feel. They all want me to be something I don't want to be.and I don't have a choice anymore. I'm caught between being an angel and a devil if there's really such a thing. Come on God if you're out there answer me damn it! I've believed in this for so long and I've never heard anything! I prayed to you when daddy left. when mom began to go away all the time and you never answered me! I've tried to sink deeper into my own world. get lost in the music, even going away for a while to try and find a new life. They all ask, "Why aren't you happy being what you are?"(  
  
(Because I don't want to be what I am anymore, I'm just going to get out of here. You know every night it's always been the same.remember all the times before you left.remember daddy. even remember the way mom used to be. Speaking the same things every day saying that I'm ok when I'm not. I visited America before my senior year in high school; I actually spent the summer there on an exchange program. That's when I started to learn English. I liked it a lot. for the first time in my life Sakura was pushed to the back of my mind. I even got to visit Warner Brothers Studios and Paramount Pictures.(  
  
As the rain slowed down, Tomoyo walked back to her car soaked .she had made up her mind.  
  
Getting in to the car, she put the keys into the ignition again and started it up, and then she drove to the airport. She knew she had plenty of money to start over, and for a while she could stay with her friends.  
  
She parked in front of Tokyo International Airport and waited as security checked her car over.  
  
"Suru anata motteiru nanika sutsukesu?" an attendant asked her.  
  
"Iie tatta hitotsu kuruma." she responded.  
  
"Daro anata iru motteiku o to issho ni?" he asked.  
  
"Hai." she said.  
  
"Onaji no yoku." he said.  
  
She was directed to get her ticket and then tell the attendant what flight she was on. Walking inside she saw the airport was already crowded with early morning flights, she went up to the American Airways line and waited to get her ticket.  
  
"Nani hiko daro anata iru motteiku?" the teller asked her when it was her turn.  
  
"Hiko bango 432 o Amerika, Los Angeles." she said and handed the woman her credit card. The woman ran it through and gave Tomoyo her ticket.  
  
"Domo Arigato." Tomoyo said.  
  
"Do itashimashite." she replied.  
  
Walking back out the doors, she told the attendant what flight she was on and grabbed her journal from the front seat, she had forgotten it was even there. He wrote the flight number down and she handed him the keys. Before she went back inside he told her that he would make sure everything was in order before her flight took off.  
  
Inside once again, she walked to the waiting area near her flight gate and sat down, it seemed that it wasn't going to be that long of a wait. Looking at her watch she saw that it was 4:30 am, which meant that her plane would be landing at 6:00 pm Tokyo time, which meant it would be 9:30 am in L.A  
  
At 5:00, the gate attendant called for the flight to board. Just as Tomoyo was about to hand the woman her ticket, a familiar voice stopped her.  
  
"Tomoyo matte!"  
  
"Naze?" she asked turning around to find Touya across the room.  
  
"I'm going with you." he said.  
  
"No you're not." she said.  
  
"Too late. I already have my ticket and my bags are checked in. So unless you plan on kicking me out the door as you take off.there's no way you're going without me." he said smiling a devious grin.  
  
"Why can't I ever get away from you?" she asked.  
  
"Because . believe it or not my mother won't let me leave you." he said pointing deftly at his side.  
  
"You can see her again?" she asked. He just nodded and handed the gate attendant his ticket.  
  
Tomoyo shook her head and handed her ticket as well.  
  
The woman opened the door, and winked at them both.  
  
"Ganbatte!" she whispered to Touya. Touya looked over and saw that his mother's spirit was whispering to the woman and smiling with that glint of I have something up my sleeve!  
  
"What was that about?" Tomoyo asked.  
  
"Nothing." Touya said or at least he hoped it was nothing.  
  
What was it that his mother was trying to do?  
  
They went through the terminal and a woman directed them to their seats, which were in first class.  
  
"But my seat." he stopped as he looked at Tomoyo, she was shaking her head.  
  
He shrugged and followed the flight attendant to their seats, then sat down and fastened their seatbelts.  
  
As soon as the attendant walked away, Tomoyo leaned over; "My mother uses this airline for a lot of business trips, they know me by my last name so they over-look people who are with me." she said in a whisper.  
  
"Ahh. ok." he said as he pushed his carry on beneath the seat.  
  
The attendant came back a few moments later, "Korera ni zokusuru anata.hitori no an'naigakari okurikaesu karera o Diadouji-san." she said handing Tomoyo her keys.  
  
"Domo Arigato." she said.  
  
The woman nodded and walked away to the back of the first class compartment and strapped herself in, just as the captain announced that they were ready for take off.  
  
A few minutes later, the plane went down the runway and began its ascent up into the sky.  
  
When the plane was flying smoothly above the clouds, they unbuckled their seat belts.  
  
"Tomoyo do you hate me for coming after you?" Touya asked suddenly.  
  
" Yes and no. I hate that you listened to your mother.but now that you're here I don't mind it. In fact I'm sort of glad. I was planning on staying with a few friends for the summer, but now I could spend it with you.. Wait what about the University?! You have summer term!" she exclaimed.  
  
"Don't worry, I told the Dean I might be taking this summer off. I'll just tell him I had an emergency in the states when we get there." he said, " And it wouldn't be lying either."  
  
"But you just started, what will they think if you just go away for the summer?" she asked.  
  
"If it makes you feel any better I'll tell him that I'm meeting with a professor from UCLA to exchange some teaching ideas. which I already had that in mind before this whole thing began. "  
  
"Now stop trying to change the subject and tell me what's going on, you can't run away this time." he said.  
  
"If I talk.you have to tell me why you stayed with me."  
  
"Deal." he said.  
  
"You know I've loved her for a long time.I guess it just began an obsession, you know making the outfits for her and video taping her. she was the first person who was truly nice to me. And she was so pretty too, everything about her was amazing. I told her so many times that I loved her but she was just too dense to get it. It hurt when she began to fall in love with Syaoran-kun, she would go off and leave me all by myself. my best friend didn't want to be concerned with me anymore.  
  
We went through Elementary, Jr. High and High School together but she still didn't get how I felt. She would fix me up on these dates with guys who were so dense, all they cared about was sports and sex. The first real date I went on was with a girl I had met at an all-school choir competition.her name was Yui. she acted like Sakura in a lot of ways but she didn't have that sweet caring personality, so after a month or so of going out places I told her I couldn't anymore.  
  
I tried dating boys, but I didn't like them and I never found a girl like Sakura so eventually I just stopped trying. You know in all those dates I've never had a kiss, I know it sounds stupid to you. A part of me was hoping that in some way Sakura would realize it and love me, but when I got the wedding invitation. I knew it was over, I made her dress but I couldn't go see her in it. even though I know Syaoran loves her, I still wish I was in his place." I feel like I'm sick in the head, I don't know why but it's like one half of my mind is saying you're disgusting! and the other half is saying but you only want love! Have you ever felt like that Touya?"  
  
He looked at her, wondering if she could have possibly been any closer to what he was thinking at that moment, in all of his years with Yuki. he had felt that he was sick, but he had no one else to turn to so he stayed in what felt comfortable. He could still remember what happened that night, They had been standing outside together looking up at the moon, it was perfectly clear that night and a thousand no million stars must have lit the sky. Just as he had been about to speak, Yukito turned to him and using his affectionate nickname told him that he had fallen in love with some one else.  
  
"Dare ga?" he asked shocked and outraged.  
  
"Akizuki-san." Yukito said calmly.  
  
He left abruptly, and went to the nearest bar.where he got drunk and then walked back to his apartment, of course he had stopped a few times to smash his fist against brick buildings and bloody his knuckles. When he got inside he took all the photos that he had of Yuki over the years and locked them away in a drawer, he couldn't stand to look at them anymore.  
  
"Touya.. Touya?" Tomoyo said.  
  
He snapped out of his thoughts and looked at her, she had asked him something just then. what was it?  
  
"What did you say?" he asked.  
  
"I asked you what you wanted to do after we got settled in." she said smiling, trying her hardest not to look like she was about ready to shatter into a million pieces.  
  
"I'm not sure, but Tomoyo.why have we been speaking English?" he asked.  
  
"I need the practice." she lied.  
  
" So do you, you've gone rusty in five years."  
  
The truth was that she simply wanted to forget her life and everything to do with it. He laughed lightly, trying to ease what she was feeling; he could see it in her eyes, the look that was trying to say she was just fine but really it was saying that she needed a shoulder.  
  
"You never answered my other question. were you trying to get out of it?" she asked as she looked out the window towards the rising sun..  
  
"No. but if you really want to know, I was sort of doing the same thing that you were.I played a song that I hadn't played in six months that night. It was the first thing I ever played for him, I also played it the night he left. I was trying to get all of my emotions out just like you were. So when you were crying.well it felt right to stay with you." he responded.  
  
"I'm sorry I went off at you last night, I don't know why I did that." she said.  
  
"I did the same thing, when my father tried to get me to talk, it was like what the hell do you think you're doing trying to pry into my life? I told him some things that Sakura overheard, she came down from up stairs and slapped me. Then she cried, I mean I deserved it. there was no reason for her to cry. I looked at Dad and he didn't say anything. but he stood up and grabbed something from mother's old jewelry box, then he came back and put it in my hand.  
  
When I came back to the apartment, I looked at what he gave me. It was a pair of old diary keys on a red silk cord, I must have sat there the entire night trying to figure out what they meant.  
  
For three days I carried those keys around with me until finally I went back and threw them at Dad, I asked him what they meant and he just smiled for a while. I told him that I wanted to know, and then he told me to give a key to the person I loved. I told him I wouldn't love anyone again and he said the same thing that mother told me just a few weeks ago. don't worry you'll find someone and they'll be who you least expect."  
  
"That's sweet. the key thing I mean." she said yawning.  
  
"Why don't you get some sleep. I'll wake you up when breakfast comes." he said.  
  
"I don't want to sleep." she said yawning again "Besides I don't have a pillow."  
  
"You didn't bring anything with you?"  
  
"No.I'm going to buy new things when we get there, but I did bring my car and my journal." she said holding up the leather bound book and keys for reference.  
  
He shook his head, and lifted his armrest that way she could lean against him. it was the least he could do for her.  
  
She looked at him, but lay down against his chest anyway; knowing that he would be more comfortable than leaning against the hard plexi-glass window.  
  
When she was asleep, he looked over to the empty seat across the aisle; there sat his mother, putting a finger to her lips and making a motion with her other hand as if she was brushing her cheek. Then she pointed to Tomoyo and made the motion again, he looked back down and saw that Tomoyo was tensed up and tears were coming out of her closed eyes. She had been asleep little more than five minutes and already she seemed to be having a bad dream. He began to brush his hand over her left cheek and felt her move slightly, he quickly stopped what he was doing and was going to let her sleep without disturbance but she opened her eyes and turned her body to face his, then moved his hand to her other cheek and closed her eyes again. Yuki had never been this gentle when he slept, when Touya would shift to do such simple things, Yuki would toss and turn not wanting to be held or touched in any way.  
  
He loved watching as people slept, he would sit there for hours to watch Sakura sleep after his father had gone to bed; those were the times when he would talk to his mother the most. She would come into the room dressed as her memory served her in her favorite flannel nightgown, then she would go and sit where the old rocking chair was, right by Sakura's crib. He was the only one who could feel the touch of the spirits, after all he was the only one who could see them. So it was right that he was able to run over to his mother and have her rock him as she sang him her lullaby, they would stay up for a long while and talk quietly as the cicadas would chirp and the wind would blow through the trees. She would tell him of her favorite magical stories, and even some stories about her own magical encounters as a child. but his favorite story was how she and his father had met.  
  
She had found a small baby bird on the ground and wanted to go put it back in its nest. As she climbed the tree Sonomi kept insisting that she come back down but his mother kept saying that it was only a bit farther; when suddenly she had lost her footing, slipped and fell from the tree. His father had been sitting underneath the tree on a bench reading a book and she fell right into his lap, he asked her if she was all right and she said yes and from then on they were inseparable. He had always laughed when she said that his father had said: "I thought an angel fell from the sky."  
  
Looking down at her sleeping form now, she was calm and angelic in her beauty; it pulled at him and he had no idea why. It wasn't like that pull he had when it came to Yuki. but it was similar and that scared him. Suddenly he realized what his mother was up to, they both needed someone to be with in her eyes so why not find it in each other? Was she completely blind? For one thing she was eight years his junior and another she was his cousin on his mother's side and even if it was accepted in Japan.he wasn't sure if his mother had her head on straight. He had to put a stop to this crazy plan of hers before it got out of hand; then again it had been his fault in the first place. If he had just let her alone last night, his mother wouldn't have gotten that idea. ( If you had left her alone. you know she would have killed herself.( his mind said.  
  
He cut off his thoughts at that moment, Tomoyo wouldn't kill herself. she wasn't that stupid.  
  
It was just past eight am when the flight attendant came around with the food trays. Touya gently shook Tomoyo awake and told her that it was time to eat. Sitting up, Tomoyo tried her best to flatten down her hair but gave up at the miserable attempt and ate the cold breakfast and juice. When she was finished, Touya looked at her and began to laugh; "What are you laughing at?" she asked.  
  
"You have a milk mustache." he said.  
  
"Oh ha ha ha very funny, like you've never done that." she said taking her napkin and wiping it off.  
  
"I thought it was." he said grinning. She smacked him lightly on the arm, which of course caused him to make a very sad look and say "You hit me."  
  
"Oh poor baby." she said smiling.  
  
The rest of the day went smoothly, and Touya seemed to forget what he was thinking about earlier as Tomoyo slept. With a deck of cards that he had brought, they had plenty to do as well as other things to talk about but each stayed away from the subject that had brought them to this moment.  
  
As it was just starting to get dark back in Japan, the light of the sun was rising higher over the North American continent. The pilot announced that the flight would be reaching its destination within fifteen minutes and to start making preparations for landing. Tomoyo and Touya put their seatbelts back on and grabbed their things, eager to get back on solid ground. The plane approached L.A. International's landing strip and descended down onto the blacktop with a light bump and skid, then went down the roadway towards the terminals. Airport attendants brought the steps to the door and then waited as the passengers came down, then they directed them through the terminals. Tomoyo waited outside until she saw her car unloaded safely after handing off her keys. Then she drove to the front of the airport where she waited for Touya, he came out sometime later carrying two large bags and set them in her trunk. When he got into the passengers side he buckled his belt and they left the crowded place and headed out slowly at first into L.A traffic.  
  
It felt good to be back in the city again, familiar places and the warm sun shining its rays down on you, and the palm trees swaying in the wind as people walked, skated, or boarded down to their favorite hang outs. Tomoyo looked over at Touya and saw him smile in contented happiness like that of a child.  
  
"Touya is it all right if we go visit a friend of mine?" Tomoyo asked. He nodded, and watched as the sites flew by almost in a blur as she turned down the streets to this friend's house. They soon pulled in front of a spacious house.if you could call it a house. They both got out of the car and she locked it, then they both went up the steps and rang the doorbell. It was answered by a woman who looked to be about Tomoyo's age, she looked at them for a few moments. "Can I help you?" she asked.  
  
"Emily.it's me Tomoyo.remember?" she asked a little hesitantly.  
  
"Oh my god..Tomoyo!" she screamed pulling her into a tight hug. "Where the hell have you been?! It's been what three years? Oh my God!" She pulled them both inside, and shut the door.  
  
Over the next hour it was conversation of what had gone on while Tomoyo was gone, Touya had been introduced as a close friend, which got the response "How close?" Tomoyo neglected to answer, which made him look up in a bit of surprise but no one seemed to notice. Touya made a call to his old college roommate Chris then stood by the door. The jetlag was starting to hit both of them and they yawned as they bid goodbye to Emily, she nodded and opened the door saying that they could stop by anytime they wanted to.  
  
Touya directed Tomoyo to Chris's place, who said over the phone that he had plenty of room for them to come and stay. So far everything was going in the right direction and it seemed that nothing could spoil a summer in L.A. except maybe for the meddling of a certain spirit.  
  
A/N: I believe that all of those who may be reading this understand the way arranged marriages work, but just in case you don't.arranged marriages take usually two related people along the line of the mother's side who are cousins and have the father figure of both of them agree to marry their son and daughter together for the betterment of the family. This is still a common practice today in Japan and China as a way to keep family names and histories close. or even for control of major corporations.  
  
Touya's mother in this case simply thinks that her son is lonely and knows that he won't settle down with anyone, so seeing as Tomoyo is broken- hearted; she thinks it would be a good idea. but will it all work out even under the eyes of our blind characters? Stay tuned for the next chapter!  
  
"Suru anata motteiru nanika sutsukesu?" -Do you have any baggage with you?  
  
"Iie tatta hitotsu kuruma." -No just a car.  
  
"Daro anata iru motteiku o to issho ni?" -Will you be taking it with you?  
  
"Hai." - Yes  
  
"Onaji no yoku." -Very well  
  
"Nani hiko daro anata iru motteiku?" -What flight will you be taking?  
  
"Hiko bango 432 o Amerika, Los Angeles." -Flight number 432 to America, Los Angeles.  
  
"Domo Arigato."-Thank you very much.  
  
"Do itashimashite."- You're welcome.  
  
"Tomoyo matte!" -Tomoyo wait!  
  
"Naze?" -Why?  
  
"Ganbatte!" -Good luck!  
  
"Korera ni zokusuru anata.hitori no an'naigakari okurikaesu karera o Diadouji-san." -These belong to you.an attendant sent them, Miss Diadouji.  
  
"Dare ga?"- Who? 


	5. Life through rose colored glasses

DISCLAIMER: CLAMP ©®™ OWNS ALL RIGHTS TO CARDCAPTOR SAKURA ©®™ AND ALL OF IT'S CHARACTERS THEREIN. THIS IS A FANFICTION MEANT FOR FAN VIEWING AND NOT PROFIT. SNOWBLIND© BELONGS TO SYSTEM OF A DOWN. See translations at the bottom of the page.

Chapter 5: Life through rose- colored glasses

If everything was always perfect in the world, we'd all be viewing it through rose-colored glasses, if everything were what you wished for, you'd be seeing rose-colored light... but the truth is that not everything is perfect and not everything is what you wished for. So you might as well break those rose-colored glasses honey because they get you nowhere in life.

Smashed, broken pieces that couldn't be glued, this was what Tomoyo and Touya both felt they were. Worthless, cold and without a soul, this was their mantra each day. Living a lie, frozen without anyone to love them. Damned with the split mind of an alter-self, smiling by day but, violent at night. Parents said they were loved but, it was all a lie, they were hurt and shoved away like they were nothing and then bribed to come back. A mother who died, a father who left, and as children who didn't have anyone to turn to, they were on their own. Through one twist of fate if it even existed, both of them had turned to each other only to push each other away.

Still ever persistent, knowing, pulling on the edge of their consciousness, they knew that there was no way that they could stay like that forever. One chased after the other, trying to pull himself together for her sake, just to see her almost crumble in the wake of desperate obsession. Was it an obsession? Yes! No one can deny this even if they tried.

It was night in the city of angels.   
Tomoyo was awake, pacing around the room and speaking to herself.** "I hate her, she left me all alone, but yet I want her...she means everything to me." **_"No damn it! she hates you! Why the hell would she leave you alone while she ran off to be with that bastard!?" _**"Syaoran is not a bastard, he loves Sakura... and she's happy with him."** _"Oh shut the hell up already! You are so sick, you know they have places for people like you." _The face within her sneered at this.** "Shut up...leave me alone."**she said as tears spilled down her face. _"Oh you're crying now, you are so weak. You can't even stand up to your own thoughts!" _

"**Why won't you go away?"** _"Because I'm the only thing that will justify these feelings."_

She slid down to the floor like she has done so many other nights, hugging her knees close to her and sobbing.

"**Sakura..."** she said. _"That's right, call out for her. You know what I bet Eriol could give you a most accurate account of their honeymoon."_

"**Why are you so cruel?"**_ "You made me this way...remember?"_

My eyes are blind but I can see the snowflakes glisten on the trees, their sound no longer sets me free; I feel there's no place freezing me.

Don't you think I know what I'm doing? You tell me that I'm doing it wrong, you're the one who's really a loser...this is where I feel I belong!

Tomoyo had been battling this alternate personality ever since she was sixteen, lying to her mother about going to a vocal coach when she was really going to see a Psychiatrist.

For a while things had been going really well, she wasn't slipping quite so often, and she no longer had thoughts of wanting to kill Syaoran, the doctor had advised that she write that letter as a way to get rid of her pent up frustration after telling about Sakura's upcoming nuptials.

That was a mistake, of course the woman said that she may digress in varying instances, but Tomoyo had never thought that she could fall this hard. "Kudaranai!" she whispered hoarsely. She shoved the thoughts into the back of her mind, standing up again, she wiped the running mascara off of her face with the back of her unblemished hand. Then she walked out into the kitchen, she heard the sound of water running in the bathroom, someone was taking a shower; so the idea of cleaning up was out. A thick notebook and pen as well as a battered copy of the Freudian Theory lay on the table, she walked over and sat down. Whose books were these? Chris's perhaps? After all this was his apartment, he had been a nice person and all but, he didn't seem like the type to study Freud. Opening the notebook, she found that it was Touya's handwriting.

{I don't know what to do, everything inside my head feels all screwed up, Chris gave me this book yesterday for music theory but I already finished my compositions.}

{Dad sent me a book the other day; he thought it might help what I'm going through...}

Tomoyo flipped through the pages, reading exactly what she couldn't put into words; suddenly she felt a hand grip her wrist tightly, the notebook was torn out of her hand and thrown across the room.

"Do you like seeing what I've had to deal with for eight years Tomoyo? Do you like seeing what hell I've become? You think you have it bad with being obsessed? You have no idea what it's like to be Me." he said.

"What...hearing a voice inside your head? Talking to yourself as though that part of you were taking over for split moments? Tearing your skin open just to feel pain? Smashing your fist into mirrors? Doing drugs? Trying to die? Answer me Touya what have you done that I haven't?"

"Have you ever read Dante's Inferno? Read about the seventh level of Hell, about the demons he describes. That is what I've been."

"I have read it...and what you've gone through was nothing like the seventh level." she said. "Now let go of me." she said trying to escape his grasp.

He let go of her and sighed, "I'm sorry." he said, walking away.

"Where is Chris?" Tomoyo asked changing the subject quickly as he went to go pick up the notebook.

"He's staying over his girlfriend's house for a while."

"Why?"

"He thought that you needed some space."

"He doesn't know anything does he?" she asked.

"No."

"Can we get out of here for a while?" she asked.

"You don't have anything with you, what are you going to wear?"

He shouldn't have asked that.

"You have any small shirts?"

He nodded and she smiled.

Two minutes later after rummaging through his suitcase, he happened to find his old Seijyo soccer club t-shirt, it was small on him, but on her it would be loose fitting and worn through, but it was the smallest thing he had so he had to make due.

He walked out and handed it to her, then she went and changed into it, and sure enough when she came out... it was to her knees in length.

Smiling, she pulled out her credit card, and pulled him out the door.

The stars were shining brightly, as they drove down the road; both of them were too caught up in thought to say much of anything to one another.

Tomoyo finally broke the silence, "Will you ever play again? The piano I mean... I know you play it now, but do you ever think that you will ever truly play again?"

He turned and stared at her, then spoke; "I haven't truly played in seven years... and if by some chance I do... it will only be before I die or when I've fallen in love again."

"Will you play for me?" she asked suddenly, surprising herself.

His gaze softened, how could he refuse her? Nodding, he then turned back to look out on the nightlife of California.

It seemed like the hours flew by as they went to the mall and other places that L.A was famous for. Tomoyo had sales personnel following her around as she bought numerous things, bags were piled on counters and on floors but she wouldn't change out of that old beat up and worn soccer shirt. It was almost endearing in the way she wore it, and it made him smile to think that she was for once genuinely happy.

She turned and smiled at him, a gentle smile that could melt even the coldest of hearts; but little did Touya know that Tomoyo was not as gentle as her smile showed.

She was no Mary... the little girl that was so perfect had died a long time ago.

When they returned to the apartment, both bid each other good night, but as Tomoyo turned to walk away, she felt Touya's hand grab hers, "Anata Boku itai sumimasen." he said and kissed her on the cheek.

"Kudaranai"- Worthless

"Anata Boku itai sumimasen."- I'm very sorry I hurt you.

A/N: Has anything ever made you feel like you were lost somewhere and you couldn't find your way out? I know I have, but I just kept listening to the music and just let it all flow over me, if you do that, nothing will bother you again.

Celtic Sorceress


End file.
